Post Poo Euphoria

I'd like to start my first entry with a brief introduction to a phenomenon I like to call Post Poo Euphoria, or PPE. PPE is that warm, fuzzy and unparalleled feeling of splendour that gently finger bangs every cell of your body with its gossamer touch in the immediate aftermath of a large-scale bowel evacuation.

It can come in varying degrees of intensity, from a relaxed but breathy sigh, to a knee-trembling, semi-conscious, out-of-body experience that I assume can only be matched by the satisfaction one might get from bolting your lightening seed into Frankie Sandford after doing a 10 stretch in solitary on fucking Alcatraz or some shit.

One day, Frankie. One day you will be mine.

So, to a recent tale of PPE... If this dump was a film, you'd think Michael Bay had directed it. Overzealous and gratuitously explosive. It was as if someone had let off a firework in a cow pat.

As soon as my twitchy, panicking bum cheeks touched down on the seat, it detonated a singular, loud blast. Comparable to inflating a bag of crisps and popping it in someone's ear. Only the bag is full of shit and you hope nobody else heard it.

With that uncomfortable sense of morbid curiosity you get when rubber-necking at a car accident, I turned to look into the bowl. I was ashamed and horrified in equal measure.

There were speckles of waste in every corner of the bowl. I began scraping it off from under the rim with the toilet brush. The physics of it made no sense but I was too shaken to begin to comprehend it with rational thought.

As a precautionary measure, I wiped the back of my legs and outer cheeks for any stray flecks. If it had got under the rim who knows what else it had managed to soil. I was taking no chances, but thankfully I was unscathed and proceeded to finish the cleanup operation.

I flushed and stepped away. It was only then that I was able to take in the whole event. My heart rate began to slow and I felt the tender embrace of the PPE.

As I attempted to flee the scene it was evident that the PPE was taking over. My motor skills impaired, vision slightly blurred. I gingerly hobbled out, legs quivering like a lonely, middle-aged blonde, freshly banged by a horny Greek waiter behind the bins at her 2 star all inclusive resort. I went to have a lie down and enjoy the rush. My body had purged something truly evil and it was rejoicing. Hallelujah.

Fin.